6 Things Children of Divorce Want From Their Parents This Holiday Season
A letter written from the imagined perspective of kids navigating family change. While every child’s experience is different, these are some of the things kids may wish the adults in their lives understood about the holidays.
Dear Parents,
We know this divorce stuff isn’t easy and that you’re doing the best you can. When the holidays hit, life gets a little stressful for us. Here are a couple of things we’d like you to keep in mind this holiday season that would really help us out.
Thank you.
With love, your kids
STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT FAIR
Please remember that while we want to spend time with both of you this holiday season, it doesn’t mean you have to split us down the middle.
What feels “fair” to you doesn’t always feel so great for us. Instead of dividing our time with each of you down to the minute, it would really help if you could be flexible when possible.
If we’re at a celebration with the other parent and enjoying ourselves, it would mean a lot if you didn’t make us leave early because it’s “your time.”
DON’T HOG THE HOLIDAYS
We get that you love us and want the holidays to be special.
Please don’t compete with each other over who can give us the “best” holiday or the “coolest” gifts. We know more than you think, and when you try to outdo each other, it feels like you’re trying to buy our love.
We’d appreciate it if you would give each other the chance to surprise us or take turns buying us “the one” gift we really want. It would even be okay for you to give us joint gifts.
When we’re not with you, help us to feel good about having a special time at our other home.
It would also help to know that even though you might miss us, you’ll be okay without us there.
GIVE GIFTS WITHOUT STRINGS
Getting presents is cool, but not if they come with lots of conditions. If you buy me a really nice present and then tell me it can never leave your house, it doesn’t really feel like a gift.
Before you buy me something, make sure you’re okay with me choosing where my gift lives. If you’re uncomfortable with it going to the other house, please don’t buy it as a present that’s supposed to belong to me.
It’s okay to have special things for me to enjoy at your house. Just help me understand the difference between something you’re giving me and something you’re getting for us to enjoy when I’m with you.
WALK YOUR TALK
It’s really confusing when I hear you say how important it is to be kind to others this holiday season, but I don’t see you treating each other with the same respect.
I know you may not always feel like doing something nice for the other parent. You might even think they don’t deserve it. This holiday, I hope you realize that’s not the way I feel.
If I want to give my other parent something for the holidays, please help me find a way to do that. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to show up empty-handed or stressful to try to deal with those feelings on my own.
And if there’s a stepparent or another important person in my life I’d like to remember, please don’t make me feel guilty about that either.
Even if money is tight, it would mean a lot if you helped me make a homemade card, bake a special dessert, or find another way to show someone important to me that I care.
By the way, if you do help me do something for my other parent and they don’t return the favor, please don’t let that stop you. The fact that you’re willing to help means the world to me.
SPEND TIME WITH ME
It’s a lot of fun going places and doing things, but being entertained all the time wears me out. I’m okay with spending the day in our pajamas and making pancakes, watching movies, reading a book together, playing games, shooting hoops, baking cookies, or driving around to look at Christmas lights.
Even though I might not say it, what I really want more than anything is your time and attention. Years from now, some of my favorite memories might be the simple moments we shared together.
WORK IT OUT WITHOUT ME
I appreciate it when you take the time to listen to my ideas about the holidays, but please don’t ask me to make decisions about how I spend time with each of you.
I love you both and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s stressful trying to figure out how to keep everyone happy, and it makes me dread the holidays. I realize that even when I get older, being asked to choose who I spend the holidays with will still feel uncomfortable.
It would really help if the two of you could work things out on your own or get help from someone who can work through those decisions with you.
P.S. It’s okay to be creative. Celebrations don’t have to happen on the same day every year. As long as you keep me in the loop, I’m okay with changing things up once in a while. It’s not the date on the calendar that makes a day with you special. It’s how we spend the time we have together.
Wishing you and yours a very special holiday season.
x, c
